One of my favorite Ted Talk’s is “listening to shame” by Brené Brown. I started following Brené’s research a few years ago. I was in a strange place in my life and yearning for a spiritual awakening. From the outside, life looked pretty good. I had a healthy child, a loving husband, a high paying corporate job, a nice house and was comfortable. However, I was constantly worrying about losing it all. COVID had just begun and I was terribly afraid, all the time. I felt confused on what I was supposed to be doing to keep my family safe and I was terribly lonely from all the isolating. Each day felt like groundhog’s day and I was drowning. 

Then one day, we decided it was time for my daughter to upgrade to a big girl bed. We wanted to make the day super special for her to celebrate this huge milestone. As we rode to the store, I could not shake my debilitating anxiety. It was a Sunday and the term Sunday scares was fully activated. No matter how hard I tried to be present and enjoy this moment, I couldn’t. My brain was on overdrive thinking of the work meetings happening over the next few days and I started to feel like I was suffocating. I made it through the bed shopping experience but I really do not remember much of it. I was in full fight or flight mode. When I got home, I told my husband I needed a minute. I went up to my room and finally whispered the words out loud that had been ringing in my head for the last few months, I can’t do this anymore. 

Once the words were spoken, I was gutted with fear. I finally said the thing. Now what do I do? I spent the next few minutes gearing up for the inevitable conversation I knew I had to have with my husband. I could no longer do all of the things. I did not want to miss another bedtime routine to take a work meeting. I no longer wanted to try to schedule doctors appointments and research parenting advice in between high pressured work presentations. I no longer could ignore my truth. I did not want to do it all. Not only did I not want to, I refused. 

That night after we put Juliette to bed I ripped the bandaid. All I remember is turning to him and blurting the whisper from earlier with tears streaming down my face. “I’m drowning and I can’t do this anymore. I feel like I’m suffocating underneath all the responsibilities.” He was quiet. Thoughtful. I could tell he wanted to be careful with his words in response to what he could tell was so painful for me to finally voice. He took my hand and said “then quit your job, we fill figure it out.” In that moment I was reminded of why he is and has always been my person. I then rattled off what I now refer to as the shame spiral. What will happen to my career if I leave now? I’ve worked so hard to get here and now I’m just going to throw it all away? What are people going to think? I’ve seen so many other women seem to juggle it all, what is wrong with me that I can’t? Maybe if I was stronger or worked harder on my healing then this wouldn’t be happening to me? Thankfully, my husband stayed with me during this shame spiral and matched it with empathy. As Brené says in her talk, put shame in a jar with empathy and it dies. Shame is fueled by secrecy, silence and judgement. And my shame had kept me silently judging myself for long enough. No more. Not today. 

Shame is the voice that says, you’re not good enough. It’s the killer of our most innermost desires. It keeps us scared. It reminds us that we are not thin enough, smart enough, compassionate enough, successful enough, rich enough, whatever the enough is for you – it’s always there reminding you of it. 

Over the coming weeks, my shame was still there. Constantly making me question myself and what I knew to be true. In search of some peace, I revisited that Brené Ted Talk. This time something stood out to me that never did before. In her years of research on shame, she identified that it shows up differently for men and women. For women in America the messages we are collectively trying to live up to are “do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat”. I paused the talk right there and felt like the room was spinning. This shame I was experiencing wasn’t uniquely mine at all. It was all of ours. 

We have been fed a narrative of what it means to be a successful woman and mother. It’s a series of unattainable expectations and an image that we’ve consumed in commercials, movies, books, social media and most impactful our own familial maternal figures. 

I recently was watching an episode of the Kardashian’s and Kim was attending some photo shoot while giving an interview about her life as a mom and a mogul. The interviewer said, “Kim is the perfect example of the modern day woman.” I about spit my water out. Are you freaking kidding me? If that is the example of a modern day woman then no wonder we’re all spiraling. It’s these narratives that make us feed further into this bullshit narrative that we’re supposed to do it all. 

I recently made a comparison for my husband that drilled this point home. If I see a Tik Tok video of a criminal robbing a store, I do not think “oh man, I wish I could do that.” Why? Because I and you know that stealing is wrong. We’re collectively taught that from a young age. It’s a narrative we have agreed to. But when I see a mom on instagram making a beautiful bento box lunch with healthy options and a Mickey Mouse shaped sandwich, I do indeed sometimes think, “oh man, I wish I did that.” Why? Because we have been served a narrative of what it means to be a good mom and we’ve bought into it. 

I no longer adhere to this narrative. I tried it and it about took me down. I’m no longer interested in feeding into a narrative that does not benefit me or my family. In order for us to breed connection, we must reveal our true selves. I am revealing myself as a mom who is trying to figure out my purpose and live a joyful life. I no longer care about what other people think of me because it just doesn’t serve me. I’m making choices for my life that feel good to me. And those choices are going to be very different for each of us because we’re all created uniquely. What feels good to me might make your skin crawl. And that’s not only ok but a natural part of being a human being. 

What I’ve later come to realize is that this will go down in my story as the strongest and bravest thing I could have ever done. It’s been over a year now since I made this choice and in that time I’ve dug deeper into therapy and started to figure out who I really am. What feels good to me not what meets the approval of this unhelpful narrative. My career is indeed not ruined. In contrast the world is my oyster. I will eventually figure out what I want to do to earn income and this time I know it will be based on my authentic self. This past mother’s day Juliette wrote that my job was to play with her and I’m pretty happy with that. 

I was hesitant to post this one because I am in no way, shape or form saying the best way is the path I’ve chosen. I’m simply saying, it’s what worked for me. My intention is to celebrate each and every path, no matter how wildly different they look from one another. And most importantly, I want to challenge this shame narrative that has been passed down to us as women. Whatever choices you’re making are celebrated and worthy of applause. I will not allow shame in our tribe as mothers to grow. No judgement, silence or secrecy here. Simply love, acceptance and a passion for women living their best lives. 

Love today and always. 

Brené Brown Ted Talk – https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame?language=en